Odd Balls: Sports Journalists Are Full Of Sh*t | Balatro Ain't Jokin' Around

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Apr 25, 2024

Welcome back! It’s the second month of Odd Balls, the most mildly anticipated newsletter in the world of sports and gambling! In this issue, Dan tackles sports “journalists,” to which Cole’s only exposure is a monthly haircut at SportClips during the Pat Mcafee show. Further down, sings the praises of Balatro, a poker-based vidya game. Onward and oddward, folks!

Why Sports Journalists Are Full Of Sh*t

By Dan Holmes

Go ahead and watch two episodes of The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz. Make it two episodes, because after you watch/listen to one, you may not think it’s possible that a show can be so dreadful every day.

It can, and it is. And it’s also packed with self-important journalistic stances based on nonsense and laced with hypocrisy. That’s because most of these shows have stuck their “Google Maps pin” at the intersection of sports betting and punditry but expect the viewer to ignore it. No amount of hand-wringing can wash away the fact that they feed at the trough of gambling while acting like they are above it.

The state of sports journalism is the same as all journalism: in flux and under attack. The good journalists (and there are many) are not the ones that win the algorithm contest. The bad ones (and they are legion) have the loudest voices, hottest takes, and least integrity.

Le Batard recently spent nearly three days skewering the NBA over the Jontay Porter affair. It’s his job to talk about sports, so it’s not that he shouldn’t discuss that topic. It’s the way he and his sycophants did it: with largesse, as if it’s self-evident that sports betting is going to lead to the end of The Association and every other professional league. That he’s wrong is one thing. That Le Batard says such things while he gets paid by DraftKings makes it stomach-turning.

Le Batard is the worst example of this hypocrisy. He acts like he’s a journalist. I guess that’s because he started as a sportswriter for an actual newspaper. But that was in Miami, so does it count as reading? He made his reputation on ESPN and eventually parlayed that into his own show. For years he blatantly used his father in a way that perpetuated a racial stereotype of the simple, happy-go-lucky Latino: “This is the Dan Le Baaaaataaard Show Wit Daaaa Stugotzzzz!”

He eventually stopped that, but he’s been a trainwreck still: airing his own personal struggles with mental health and basically treating his show like a troubled teenager uses their TikTok account. But worse than that, Le Batard tries to have it both ways: “See, I’m human, not a media whore!” AND “I’m a journalist!”

His preaching against betting advertisements ignores the fact that there is zero proof that legal sports betting is harmful for society. DraftKings sure doesn’t think so, and they have their logo all over the Le Batard program.

Is sports betting as bad for the average NFL fan as Budweiser? Or the gas-guzzling two-ton pickup truck? Or the 2,000-calorie triple-beef Arby’s patty melt with extra gouda cheese? Of all the vices embraced by the sporting world, why is gambling the most heinous?

Pat McAfee is supposedly a genius. According to Le Batard, McAfee is using his ESPN show to “revolutionize sports media.” Could have fooled me.

Why the love from Le Batard? McAfee has wrapped his arms around athletes and other sports celebrities, welcoming them to produce their own segments within his show. That way, they can control what they say. McAfee doesn’t challenge them at all (see his love fests with vaccine denier Aaron Rodgers). Bill Belichick and Caitlin Clark are the most recent to be given this safe arrangement.

That isn’t journalism. That isn’t genius. It’s self-sponsored “content” that serves the purpose of one person: the athlete or coach. What the heck can I learn from Bill Belichick if he gets to ask the questions and give the answers? “Grumble, grumble, grunt, grunt,” right, Bill?

McAfee also has his own cozy relationship with sports betting operators. While he hasn’t attacked the hand that feeds him, McAfee does show his disdain for “traditional media.” Here’s something to consider when you hear the phrase “traditional media.” When someone uses that phrase in a negative way, they’re saying they prefer media that’s reactionary, doesn’t fact-check, and ignores nuance.

The Pat McAfee Show is less sophisticated than the Wayne’s World public cable TV show that was broadcast from Wayne’s mom’s basement. And that was a sketch on Saturday Night Live.

McAfee doesn’t need to do anything but talk a lot. He can wake up, hear about Jontay Porter (no one has to investigate anything anymore, just browse their Facebook feed), stand behind the obligatory sports trinkets in his ESPN studio, and start ranting. The most difficult thing McAfee does every day is choose which skin-tight tee-shirt or oversize hockey jersey he wants to wear. His hands can’t get dirty doing journalistic work: they are too sticky from hair gel.

Le Batard and McAfee are two of the most high-profile examples of the slippery and disgusting slope we’re sliding down for sports programming. As sports betting grows in scope, increasingly these types of low-brow, inexpensive shows will breed like rats in a lifeboat. Don’t let yourself be distracted by the hypocrisy. I watched them so you don’t have to.

-Dan

Meet The Odd Balls

Balatro Ups The Ante With a Fresh Twist On Poker

By Cole Rush

The biggest poker innovation of the era is here, and you won’t find it at a casino—unless you bring a Nintendo Switch to the casino, that is. Developed by LocalThunk, Balatro deals a new hand for an ages-old card game, and hoo boy, is it good.

Video game genre naming conventions are a load of hooey, especially if you’re not a gamer. Consider this: Balatro is classified as a “poker-inspired roguelike deck builder all about creating powerful synergies and winning big,” according to the game’s Steam page. Roguelike games involve going on “runs.” In combat-based games, death means the end of your run. In Balatro, that ethos remains, though it’s losing a particular Blind that ends your run and sends you careening back to the beginning. Your goal? Successfully beat eight Antes, each comprising a small blind, a big blind, and a boss blind (this last one has a random ability that makes it harder).

Every run begins with a deck, and each deck has a specific ability. The red deck gives you one extra discard per blind, while the yellow deck starts you with $10 for purchases. You’re then plunged into the game, where you can select the first small blind or skip it to get a special reward. Each blind has a point threshold you have to beat to win, and they scale as you continue playing. This is where the magic of Balatro kicks in.

The first Small Blind has a point threshold of 300. You begin with a standard deck of 52 cards and whatever boost your chosen deck provides. You draw eight cards and play the four best poker hands you can. After each hand, you draw back up to eight cards. You have three discards by default, barring any special abilities or deck powers. Each hand has a standard chip (point) value and multiplier (mult). For example, a High Card would get you five chips with a 1x multiplier. But the value of the cards you play adds to your chips. For example, playing a high card Ace would give you the five base points plus 11 points for the value of the card, multiplied by one. The better the hand, the more chips and mult you’ll get for playing it.

Exceed the score threshold and move on to the shop, where you can spend any reward money on new cards and special packs:

Vouchers: effects that stick around for the remainder of your run (e.g. increase hand size by 1)
Tarot Cards: individual single-use effects, such as doubling your money or adding bonuses to specific cards.
Spectral Cards: powerful one-time-use effects, such as upgrading cards with additional abilities
Celestial Cards: upgrade a hand type to increase its value. For example, Jupiter ups the chip and mult value of all flush hands going forward.
Jokers: these silly-hat-wearing clowns deserve a few paragraphs of their own. Let’s do it…

And then you’ve got jokers. Linguistically savvy readers may have already guessed at this mechanic. “Balatro” was used in Ancient Rome to mean jester, clown, buffoon, or “Dan Holmes.”

Balatro is so named because Jokers amplify your run in any number of ways. You can hold up to five at once (more if you have certain upgrades), and they significantly enhance your scoring potential. The standard Joker adds +4 mult to any hand you play. The Sly Joker adds 50 chips to any played hand containing a pair. The Ceremonial Dagger Joker destroys the Joker to its immediate right, adding double the destroyed card’s sell value to your mult. Balatro has 150 jokers (about 400 fewer than Congress, amirite?), and combining them just so can have game-breakingly delightful effects. The game begs you to find ways to maximize your score. Rearrange cards to play them in a certain order. Shift your jokers around to finagle some extra points. Play smart to avoid the Boss Blind’s special ability.

All of these bells and whistles—plus a few strays I didn’t mention—culminate into a complete reimagining of what poker can be. Beat a run with a deck, and Balatro gives you a new difficulty option with harder parameters for that deck. Complete achievements to unlock new cards and joker types. It’s all endlessly replayable, and it reignited my love for poker—a passion that tragically fizzled when a substitute teacher in my middle school woodworking class made fun of my Texas Hold ’em-themed stock car.

Poker and table game players like what they know. I explored this concept in an article for PlayNJ.com last year. Change a game too much, and players will balk at the learning curve. Balatro isn’t restricted to a casino’s boundaries, so it thrives on change. No two hands you play will be exactly the same—the context of the game will redefine each card and each careful selection you make. When you lose a run, you’ll want to start another and see if a new deck build will rectify your past foibles. Balatro moves poker forward in a way online or retail casinos never will. Download it and see for yourself. Not a console owner? Not to worry, Balatro is coming to mobile devices, likely later this year.

-Cole

Odd Balls Rollin’ ‘Round The Web

Cole:

Reactor: Five SFF Mysteries I Couldn’t Put Down
iGaming Business: Due Diligence - PENN’s Sign Up and KYC Processes Keep Players Safe
Gaming Today: NIL Messaging Strategies - Filling Big Gaps Could Unlock New Opportunities

Dan:

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